I don't understand flirting...

I am probably the most horrible flirter ever.

First, the word, "Flirting". I checked it out in the dictionary.

"to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions,
play at love,
coquet."

Without serious intentions? As in we just flirt with no thought behind it? We give off winks and flare our noses to make people think we are interested, but in fact we are not interested at all? How does one show interest in another person if it's not through flirting? What's the point of flirting at all, if, essentially, nothing comes of it? Just so people can feel good about themselves because part of their brain believes that the other person is interested in them? So they can feel good about themselves? Maybe that's why many people seem to hate me. Or maybe I'm just an asshole, I don't know.

When I was in middle school, I remember there was this kid, who always had an expressionless face. You never knew if he was happy, mad, sad. etc. He essentially had a blank face, or a poker face. I totally thought that was badass. I think he influenced me.

Later in life, I learned that having a smile on your face activates dopamine into your brain, essentially making you happier. So, throughout most of my life, I'm pretty sure I had a permanent smile plastered on my face at all times.

Now imagine someone you like. Imagine you try out some flirtatious moves, trying to get a reaction out of that person, but all they have is a permanent smile showing no other emotion. Creepy?

That was me. I swear that you could point a gun to my head, and nothing. No reaction. No expression. Just that haunting smile.

I never even knew about flirting until a lot later in life. I didn't pay any attention at all to what people where doing. I was mostly in my head, thinking about something else. If I wasn't actively talking or listening, I was in my own little word, making up stories, or asking myself why I talk to myself and if the person I was talking to was really me, or someone else who pretended to be me, or myself pretending to be someone else. I still haven't figured that one out.

Anyways, one fine day, around the age of...27? I saw that people where doing strange things...everything seemed...sexual...

Here I am, sitting at a table with a girl in front of me. She's licking her lips, staring at me with huge eyes when she's eating her food, playing with her hair, grabbing her straw and tapping it up and down on the table, sucking on her thumb, and a whole bunch of other things I had never noticed before. It's like a whole second language, kind of like sign language really, but every action just means "I'm interested"...I think...

The thing I don't understand it that, what am I supposed to do in this situation!? Am I supposed to stick my tongue out too? Am I supposed to wink as she stuffs her face with ravioli staring deep into my soul? Am I supposed to wink for each ravioli? I don't want to act weird...

The flirting language is also complicated for me. "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" apparently means that they are interested. What am I supposed to say, I'm thirsty too? What if I am not thirsty? This happened to me on a date of mine, where we went to a restaurant, and I wasn't hungry anymore. I felt like she felt offended. How do I say that I'm not hungry, while saying I'm still interested!? What, do I have to stuff myself like a turkey just to please the other person, so I can later get a stomach ache? I just don't understand. Sometimes the language just gets ridiculous, like when they say they are cold on the hottest day of summer.

Also, flirting is hard work. I try to be inventive, but it's difficult for me. Should I bite my lower lip? Didn't I just do that? Would she find it weird if I did it twice in a row? I get bored of flirting fast, converting back to my permanent smile, but then I see that the other person is getting frustrated while they are flirting and not getting any kind of reaction back. One girl basically even hinted that I can pretend to be interested, but the fact was that I WAS interested!

I have learned that flirting seems to be just that. Interested, or not interested, it seems it isn't socially acceptable if you don't flirt. It seems that one must seem interested in everyone. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I never knew one had to flirt, no ever told me, oops...

I have a lot to learn about flirting, and I am 28 years old...
.
.
.
I think I'll do a little of both. A little bit of flirting, and a little bit of permanent smile on my face.